I went to Urgent Care. My head’s been getting so much worse. They diagnosed me with extreme depression, and they gave me a pain killer for my head. I took it, but my head’s still pounding. I hate this. Tomorrow morning, I go in for a CT scan. I’m terrified. What if they find something? I don’t know if I’ll want anyone to know. When I went in, the lady asked me what I was there for. I told her, and she and some other nurses started freaking out, saying I should have gone to the doctor a long time ago. They’re afraid it’s something serious. Especially with all of the other symptoms. I’m so afraid. I wish I could talk to someone and seriously express how terrified I am. I’ll know the results by Wednesday. If I get a call before that, the doctor said that means something’s wrong. I’m really afraid. I haven’t been this scared in awhile. Either they’ll find something, and possibly be able to fix it, or they won’t find anything at all, and I’ll feel insane. Either way, this sucks. Damn. 

(Source: loveme--tender)

Yes! I’m so ready for this! I’ve been waiting for this for 6 months. And it’ll be on Moo’s due date! This is perfect. I’m so excited! Like Kayls was saying last night, I think this will really help. I’m so excited, it’s not even funny!

(Source: loveme--tender)

I really need help. I couldn’t stop last night. I was so scared. I need to get help. I need to find the time and money. I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t. Now I’m going to have scars on my arm to match the ones on my legs. I’m sick. I can’t look at myself. Who would have thought I’d turn out to be this way? Everyone always tells me how strong I am, and how proud they are of me. It’d break their hearts to know I go home and cut myself. That I can’t even look at myself. That I don’t eat often. That when I do eat, I make myself throw it back up. That I test myself to see how far I can go before I stop. It took everything I had to go talk to her. I’m glad I did. She’s an amazing friend. So thank you, Kayls. I love you, big sis <3

(Source: loveme--tender)

I only work one day next week at Family Video. And it’s a shift that they’ll probably call off. How do I go from almost 40 hours a week to only 4? I’m so irritated. I need a new night time job, I just don’t know what’s open late. I guess I could try Highland Grille again. Or a bar. I just don’t want to have to dress like a hoe. I need a new job ASAP so I can quit. I’ve put up for this for too long. Ever since my miscarriage, they’ve treated me differently. I’m done. I keep saying I’ll wait it out, but I can’t keep doing that. It’s not worth my gas. I love the people there, but I just can’t do it anymore. 
Old Navy’s been giving me a lot of hours, though! I could live off of just that check, but it’d be really tight. I wouldn’t have extra money to save or anything. Which is why I need the other job. I’ve thought about the club, but, again, I don’t want to dress like a hoe. I’ll figure something out. I always do… Right?

(Source: loveme--tender)

(Source: loveme--tender)

Every cut gets deeper
Every breath gets shorter
Every step gets smaller
Every move feels weaker

I’m not me
I’m falling apart
I’m controlled by a force
An evil spirit

I feel lost
I feel broken
I feel fear
I can’t take it

My heart is exploding
My brain is expanding
My insides are turning
My body is breaking

I don’t know how much more I can take of this
I need someone to understand
I don’t want to talk about it
I just want to be held while I cry 

(Source: loveme--tender)

I have the entire day off, with nothing to do. Which means my mind will take over. And it’s never good when that happens. I hate my brain. I keep thinking about everything that’s happened lately. I feel awful. I wish I could go back and do a few things differently. That might make today a little easier. 

(Source: loveme--tender)

I feel as if liking this post may come across a couple ways.. But I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself. Sometimes a person needs to let out what they’re feeling. Other times, it’s a feeling that can bring shame, and thus needs to be hidden.

Thank you. I’m glad someone understands! And just to put it out there, I’ve tried seeking professional help. I had a therapist. She diagnosed me with depression, and extreme anorexia. When I told her I hate myself, and wanted to die, she gave me more pills. When I told her I cut myself multiple times, on a daily basis, she told me it wasn’t a big deal. I was screaming for help, and I was brushed away. That’s why I’m not going to see another therapist. 

(Source: loveme--tender)

How old are we? You have no right to do this. I’ve been nothing but nice to you. Even when I know you’re in love with my boyfriend. Even when you told me to back off, when you already have a boyfriend of your own. Now you and your boyfriend sit there and cyber bully me? Fuck you. Grow the fuck up. I wish people could see the monster you really are.